[ he's not good at letting things lie. he's never been good at that — when there is something to pursue, he will do so; when there is a question to be asked, he will do so. but he is also patient, because his success so often depends entirely on the timing of things... and so, in this case, he has let oushi be, hasn't tried to contact him, talk to him, despite wanting to. because it had been clear that oushi needed to be — if silver wants to get through to him, it'll have to be when oushi is in a better mindset.
and so, that night, when there's a familiar voice that startles him awake from the half-slumber he'd been in, the words taste almost like a victory.
almost like relief, too, though he is quick to swallow that when he answers, ]
What kind of a doctor? There's different types, right?
Yeah, but it didn't really matter to me at the time.
[ he's taken up his usual position during these late-night chats. back to the wall, head turned up towards the ceiling. he's turned the light off some time ago, so he's essentially just sitting in the dark, but sleep hasn't really been on his mind — for more than just the reason of his lingering guilt. ]
Everything I ever did or was interested in... anything that actually mattered, all of it was because of my older sister. She did it first, and I always followed along. When she was twelve, she said she wanted to be a doctor. A couple of months later, I said I wanted to be one, too. It stuck with me for longer, but not long enough I actually cared to look into a specialty.
[ it is, perhaps, the most he's ever said in one go. he feels a little silly for it, like he's said way too much despite silver literally asking. maybe it's because a lot of what he's saying isn't what he should be saying. ]
[ he hums as oushi speaks — low enough that it's probably not audible on the other side of the wall, and yet he does it regardless, to signal that he is listening, lying here as he is, in the dark, staring at the ceiling. ]
You must have looked up to her a lot.
[ that is the most likely explanation, there: a young boy, wanting to be like his sister, and so choosing to emulate her in his actions and interests... but not committed enough to make it last. perhaps oushi doesn't realise it, but it already tells silver quite a lot about him.
his answer is a few beats delayed. ]
Is that concern I hear? [ sorry, he has to be a little shit, it's in his dna. ] Obviously I did. Ran into someone else, came back with them.
[ no, actually, oushi hears that hum loud and clear. it's something that ought to trouble him, had he any space in his mind to worry about anything else. ]
She was a lot of things I always wanted to be, [ he finds himself admitting out loud, perhaps for the first time ever. he sits with that for a second, feeling something expand and ache in his chest. his sister hasn't been living at home for a long time, but he had never before felt such a deep pang of missing her as he does now. if she were the one here, she would be handling this all so much better than him. ]
Yeah, [ he eventually answers, a quiet thing that he hopes carries anyway. maybe if he were feeling a little better, he might have blustered and avoided admitting something like that, but the embarrassment that comes with such a confession pales in comparison to everything else he feels. ]
I'm sorry.
[ his words feel so wholy inadequate for just how sorry he is, actually. getting abandoned on its own is already bad enough, but silver could have really gotten hurt out there on his own. all oushi had cared about at the time was getting out of there, as fast as possible, and even if part of that was amplified by those stupid fucking rocks, it doesn't change the fact he had still been the one to do it. ]
Next time, [ and somehow, oushi feels like there'll always be a next time, for silver, ] go with someone more reliable.
[ it may not be much, but it is something genuine from oushi — a little part of him, his relationship with his sister, his own wishes... and silver believes he knows him a little bit better, after this.
more so when the guilt finally pushes the apology out; and at the time? yeah, he'd been angry. frustrated, exasperated, annoyed, but all that had fizzled out once he'd removed himself from the outcroppings of katalyth. if he'd been the man who had hidden himself below deck to save himself, still, been the man who would have abandoned the entire crew and not looked back... well, maybe it'd have been him turning away, then.
he smiles wryly to himself as he stares at the ceiling. ]
Who knows. Maybe you'll have become one, before next time.
[ there is a pause, as oushi stares at the ceiling long enough without blinking that his eyes sting. he scrubs at them now, pushing out a sigh. ]
Maybe. But I wouldn't count on that, either.
[ there is some movement from his side of the wall. it's hard to tell what he's doing, but consider his next few words sound a little further away, it can probably be intuited he's gotten up out of bed. ]
You should get some rest. You were sleeping, right? G'night.
[ how could he have known, save for the small sound silver made, right there in between unconsciousness and consciousness. probably best not to think too hard about it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
and so, that night, when there's a familiar voice that startles him awake from the half-slumber he'd been in, the words taste almost like a victory.
almost like relief, too, though he is quick to swallow that when he answers, ]
What kind of a doctor? There's different types, right?
no subject
[ he's taken up his usual position during these late-night chats. back to the wall, head turned up towards the ceiling. he's turned the light off some time ago, so he's essentially just sitting in the dark, but sleep hasn't really been on his mind — for more than just the reason of his lingering guilt. ]
Everything I ever did or was interested in... anything that actually mattered, all of it was because of my older sister. She did it first, and I always followed along. When she was twelve, she said she wanted to be a doctor. A couple of months later, I said I wanted to be one, too. It stuck with me for longer, but not long enough I actually cared to look into a specialty.
[ it is, perhaps, the most he's ever said in one go. he feels a little silly for it, like he's said way too much despite silver literally asking. maybe it's because a lot of what he's saying isn't what he should be saying. ]
...Did you make it out of the woods okay?
no subject
You must have looked up to her a lot.
[ that is the most likely explanation, there: a young boy, wanting to be like his sister, and so choosing to emulate her in his actions and interests... but not committed enough to make it last. perhaps oushi doesn't realise it, but it already tells silver quite a lot about him.
his answer is a few beats delayed. ]
Is that concern I hear? [ sorry, he has to be a little shit, it's in his dna. ] Obviously I did. Ran into someone else, came back with them.
no subject
She was a lot of things I always wanted to be, [ he finds himself admitting out loud, perhaps for the first time ever. he sits with that for a second, feeling something expand and ache in his chest. his sister hasn't been living at home for a long time, but he had never before felt such a deep pang of missing her as he does now. if she were the one here, she would be handling this all so much better than him. ]
Yeah, [ he eventually answers, a quiet thing that he hopes carries anyway. maybe if he were feeling a little better, he might have blustered and avoided admitting something like that, but the embarrassment that comes with such a confession pales in comparison to everything else he feels. ]
I'm sorry.
[ his words feel so wholy inadequate for just how sorry he is, actually. getting abandoned on its own is already bad enough, but silver could have really gotten hurt out there on his own. all oushi had cared about at the time was getting out of there, as fast as possible, and even if part of that was amplified by those stupid fucking rocks, it doesn't change the fact he had still been the one to do it. ]
Next time, [ and somehow, oushi feels like there'll always be a next time, for silver, ] go with someone more reliable.
no subject
more so when the guilt finally pushes the apology out; and at the time? yeah, he'd been angry. frustrated, exasperated, annoyed, but all that had fizzled out once he'd removed himself from the outcroppings of katalyth. if he'd been the man who had hidden himself below deck to save himself, still, been the man who would have abandoned the entire crew and not looked back... well, maybe it'd have been him turning away, then.
he smiles wryly to himself as he stares at the ceiling. ]
Who knows. Maybe you'll have become one, before next time.
no subject
Maybe. But I wouldn't count on that, either.
[ there is some movement from his side of the wall. it's hard to tell what he's doing, but consider his next few words sound a little further away, it can probably be intuited he's gotten up out of bed. ]
You should get some rest. You were sleeping, right? G'night.
[ how could he have known, save for the small sound silver made, right there in between unconsciousness and consciousness. probably best not to think too hard about it. ]